Original Radioactive Jam

Just a dollop, on a donut with SPAM® Spread* ==>==>==> We've moved!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Bring on the Flu

good fer what ails ya
I can't wait to see the television commercial weenies take a crack at this one, found on Ananova. Yes. An amazing "ancient cough medicine recipe" made from... snail slime. I'm already cured of any potential cough; just thinking about this whole thing is killing me.

Is it just me or does anyone else have nagging doubts about the credentials of whomever translated this "recipe?" First scary part: not only does a company make such a product. Someone apparently buys this stuff. Pays. For. Snail. Slime. "Oh, what a world! What a world!" - WWotW

The factory owner says she has "more than 8500 snails working." This is the part where my mind starts to spin out of control. Somebody call PETA! Wait, snails aren't animals. PETM? No. Maybe they like their jobs. This is the part where you start to imagine things like job descriptions, resumes, break rooms, and WorkMollusk's Comp. Do they have management positions? Do promising candidates get put on the Fast Track? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Do they have a workers union? Picture them on strike, in their little picket lines holding signs that say stuff like "Unfair To Local 12 VTSU"¹ (with of course a different meaning for at least the 'S'). And if the fast-track managers can't maintain production, will they resort to hiring "scabs?" No. They'll bring in... slugs!

Whew. You probably can't tell but I'm actually kind of enjoying this. Finally we come to the most puzzling part of the story: flavoring. The first question is obvious: why use any flavoring at all? I find it inconceivable to think anyone willing to pay for orally administered processed snail slime will quibble about how it tastes. What are they going to do, return it?
Customer: I didn't like the way it tasted.
Merchant: You bought Snail Slime, you moron! Ha-ha just kidding, no offense. Also no refunds, sorry. Try these Snail Slime caplets instead, they cost more but they're better.
Customer: (pays, smiles) Thanks!

The second question is also my last one. After they decided to add artificial flavorings to their Snail Slime product line, how did they conclude avocado should be one of them? I think maybe they misfiled the results from the Flavor Focus Group working on their next snail slime product, rumored to be a predictably effective emetic.

Or maybe one of the fast-track managers took over the marketing department. Would have been a hostile takeover, of course. A real... slugfest.

¹ If you "get" this admittedly obscure reference without resorting to Google (be honest!) let me know. I will gladly write a post in your honor and heap lavish praise upon you.

12 Emissions:

Blogger Syar emitted...

no, i didn't get the reference. i was going to google it, but my internet is way to slow for even that. you could say my connection is now moving at a snail's pace. *someone politely giggles amidst the sound of crickets and total silence*

so anyway, this was entirely amusing to read. avocado flavoured snail slime...hmmm, maybe they're looking to corner the avocado flavoured niche market. maybe mashed avocado resembles snail slime. you can't really pin down the thoughts of someone who would actually market snail slime, anyway.

fast track...*giggles*...good one.

8/07/2005 11:46:00 PM  
Blogger Syar emitted...

i'm first though. that's still something. *pumps fist into the air*

8/07/2005 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Nadia emitted...

Blech, is all I have to say.

And I'm linked! Excellent.


8/08/2005 12:13:00 AM  
Blogger ScroobiousScrivener emitted...

I think avocado is the only logical flavour. I mean, nobody could believe strawberry flavoured slime. But avocado? Sure. It's green, it's slimy, it's perfect.

"Perfect" of course being used in a rather specialised sense, here. As in, it's "perfect" for something that shouldn't be allowed, at all, ever. Obviously.

8/08/2005 06:06:00 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Syar - wow, a profile-photo! I didn't hear your crickets, though. Maybe if I wasn't laughing? First, indeed. (and thanks, for... you know. Nice words, elsewhere.)

Nadia - "blech" was exactly the first reflexive word in my mind when I read the story. I even included it in my Stumble review.

Scroobious - of course! Snail slime, guacamole...don't know why I didn't immediately make the connection :-O

8/08/2005 07:03:00 AM  
Blogger jedith emitted...

What if, due to the weak job market, the snail unions are irrelevent as countless thousands of american unionized snails are laid off and the factories resort to the cheaper CHINESE snails to do manual slime-producing. Let's stop the outsourcing of American snail slime!

8/08/2005 08:00:00 AM  
Blogger Amber emitted...

Strawberry and advacado flavour. What does strawberry avacado taste like? I guess it's snail slime. Yuck. I can't say I wouldn't try it because I love Buckley's and I can take that without honey or use of force. I'm not sure I could say I'd like it as, well, the flavour says it all.

8/08/2005 05:26:00 PM  
Blogger Demosthenes emitted...

I... er... wow. I'll comment on this once I get over the fact that my blog has been reduced to electronic rubble... suffering from a bit of shock here... you understand.

8/08/2005 08:55:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Demosthenes! Not to worry. Check your military inbox, you should find enough e-cash to rebuild, and maybe even upgrade. To nuclear-hardened of course.

Thank the rest of your team; all I did was turn 'em loose.

8/08/2005 09:21:00 PM  
Blogger Glo emitted...


Okay. Icky, jam. The things people will buy when they want to "go natural." How could snail slime be better for you than good ole alcohol-based cough syrup.

8/09/2005 12:48:00 AM  
Blogger Nadia emitted...

I like anything strawberry flavored (please, no condom jokes. We're mostly adults here). But I'm pretty sure I'd draw the line at anything resembling body fluid.

8/10/2005 08:05:00 PM  
Blogger jedith emitted...

Hey, do you like my new profile photo?

8/11/2005 08:16:00 AM  

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