13monkeys@work
ignoring warnings is our special-ty
Put the restless monkeys to work, says Anne Arkham. Sure, I think. I'll bring them with me; they can help write software and stuff. We arrive at my work, I show them around. I'll be back in a minute I say, gotta put my lunch away. Riiight.
Can you believe it? Not five minutes on their own and my entire work area is trashed. This crew wasn't satisfied with ordinary mayhem such as firing lasers (now a 3rd degree felony in Florida), setting off explosive devices and creating sentient, malevolent ooze. No, they thought they'd have a little computer fun, too:
They launched a browser and headed for a couple popular weblogs, no doubt planning to start flame wars using my persona. And if they weren't such lousy typists I'd have lots of free space on the ol' C: drive; they were trying to reformat it!
I was shocked, though mainly because they connected my chair to a wall outlet. After the twitching stopped I started thinking, how could this have happened? These monkeys were restless and bored, sure. But evil? No way. Then I spotted the instigator, trying to hide behind some of his handiwork. See the small yellow monkey in the picture below?
Put the restless monkeys to work, says Anne Arkham. Sure, I think. I'll bring them with me; they can help write software and stuff. We arrive at my work, I show them around. I'll be back in a minute I say, gotta put my lunch away. Riiight.
(click pic for better view)
Can you believe it? Not five minutes on their own and my entire work area is trashed. This crew wasn't satisfied with ordinary mayhem such as firing lasers (now a 3rd degree felony in Florida), setting off explosive devices and creating sentient, malevolent ooze. No, they thought they'd have a little computer fun, too:
(click pic for better view)
They launched a browser and headed for a couple popular weblogs, no doubt planning to start flame wars using my persona. And if they weren't such lousy typists I'd have lots of free space on the ol' C: drive; they were trying to reformat it!
I was shocked, though mainly because they connected my chair to a wall outlet. After the twitching stopped I started thinking, how could this have happened? These monkeys were restless and bored, sure. But evil? No way. Then I spotted the instigator, trying to hide behind some of his handiwork. See the small yellow monkey in the picture below?
(click pic for better view)
Alert readers will note the yellow monkey isn't like the others. He's the one responsible for this disaster! I thought he was just a homeless "street" monkey when I found the little yellow fellow at a gas station (absolute truth). He looked lost and lonely so I offered to care for him. This is how he repays my kindness? He's some kind of mutant genius; I'm pretty sure that black ooze is the same stuff Mulder and Scully found. And I think some of it escaped before the HazMat crew arrived; I know the yellow monkey got away. He bolted when I tried to grab him, and I have no idea where he went.
If you see him, do not try to apprehend him! Keep your distance and contact local authorities. Tell them to bring (1) heavy artillery, (2) monkey-sniffing dogs, and (3) alien virus vaccine.
Not sure what to do with the others (besides not take them to work with me again). They're not "bad monkeys," I think; they're like children who got caught up in something beyond their control, that's all. Guess I'll give them another chance, but if they start acting like their little yellow friend - well. Then it'll be time to find new homes for them.
Preferably far from here.
If you see him, do not try to apprehend him! Keep your distance and contact local authorities. Tell them to bring (1) heavy artillery, (2) monkey-sniffing dogs, and (3) alien virus vaccine.
Not sure what to do with the others (besides not take them to work with me again). They're not "bad monkeys," I think; they're like children who got caught up in something beyond their control, that's all. Guess I'll give them another chance, but if they start acting like their little yellow friend - well. Then it'll be time to find new homes for them.
Preferably far from here.
iRad time |
7/23/2005 12:41:00 AM
14 Emissions:
When I worked in retail, I did the same things. I wasn't being challenged, and I wasn't getting paid enough to behave.
Get back to the drawing board, and come up with a job that's a better fit for them.
Hey! Whose totally awesome blog was that?! I thought someone was monkeyin' around my place that day....
(So, how much do I love guys with toys on their desks? Yeah. More than that. Beyond healthy, really.)
Anne - you created sentient ooze? Cool! The monkeys and I are talking about other jobs for them. Hmm...drawing board?
G.Lo - yes, your site was one of several opened. Seems they wanted max visibility for whatever hack they had in mind. And in the interest of full disclosure I should warn you: they could have uploaded some time-delayed stuff. They deny this of course.
Most of the guys where I work have toys. Lots of toys. No other monkeys though; mine were a little disappointed by that.
see? see? what did I tell you about button eyed, button nosed creatures? pure evil, RaJ. although, now that I see that they are merely pawns following orders of their ragamuffin leader....yeah, they're still evil. I thought that ooze was radioactive coffee. and suddenly I thought of Jamie Oliver and reduction of liquids when cooking. see what they're doing to my mind??!! I'm not even commenting straight. I think I need to lie down.
Syar - Yes (hanging head in shame) you did warn me. Clearly you have keen insight into the button-eyed psyche; the monkeys tremble and cower when I mention your name. Good thinking with the radioactive coffee, surely a key ingredient of the ooze (which I still can't recreate).
Rainpuddles - sending one of these monkeys home with customers would be a heinous act of diabolical cruelty. When I get home I'll talk to the monkeys and get you a rate quote.
Demosthenes - that's a relief. Except...
No, I'm sure you... it's nothing. Really. Could be a... I'll check the other report. Yes.
Sorry. I don't like to be the one to deliver unsubstantiated bad news, that's all. I'm sure your encounter went as described; I'm not sure you whacked the right monkey, is all. The linked picture is from a webcam near an airport - in Florida - timestamped a couple hours *after* your post.
Apaprently there's more than one of these little yellow fellows on the loose. One less, thanks to you, but we must remain vigilant!
In a completely unrelated incident*, my brother got bit by a monkey once. He is now, emotionally and physically, scarred for life. I hate those furry little buggers.
*Completely unrelated, except for the fact that it was the same yellow monkey currently screwing you over RaJ.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nadia - sorry to hear about your brother. I'm hoping Demosthenes iced the more vicious of the two known LYMs.
SENTIENT OOZE???
My mother-in-law is sentient ooze!
Just kidding. :/
*fingers crossed* I have faith in demos.
"the monkeys tremble and cower when I mention your name." this gives me new found courage. but all this bad news about their yellow leader and his kind, its gotten me scared again. thank god for ppl like you, RaJ and dem. CONSTANT VIGILANCE is a must! that and radioactive coffe, yes.
coraline : yeah, that neil gaiman. genius. he must have more insight than I on the issue of the button eyed monkeys and their leader. maybe I should ask him.
Jedith - I don't know what to offer: congratulations, pity, or a link for HazMat Control. Let me know what seems best. :->
Nadia - my sentiments exactly.
Demosthenes - for you, I have good news. Since your encounter with the little yellow FIEND had catastrophic elements, you're eleigible for Federal aid through FEMA. Expect a visit from them in the near future; be prepared to spend a little time completing paperwork. I'd guess no more than 45 minutes' worth (did I say minutes? I meant hours, sorry). Hope this helps.
Syar - indeed, regularly dropping your name has enabled me to maintain control for several days now, though the stimulus-response effect seems to be fading. Yes, the monkeys are beginning to overdose on you; I suppose it's inevitable. Maybe if I start reading aloud from your weblog... hmm.
Not sure if I've read anything else from Mr. Gaiman, but I plan to do so soon. You'll probably appreciate this post from another Neil Gaiman fan.
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