Original Radioactive Jam

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Saturday, July 23, 2005


ignoring warnings is our special-ty
Put the restless monkeys to work, says Anne Arkham. Sure, I think. I'll bring them with me; they can help write software and stuff. We arrive at my work, I show them around. I'll be back in a minute I say, gotta put my lunch away. Riiight.

(click pic for better view)

Can you believe it? Not five minutes on their own and my entire work area is trashed. This crew wasn't satisfied with ordinary mayhem such as firing lasers (now a 3rd degree felony in Florida), setting off explosive devices and creating sentient, malevolent ooze. No, they thought they'd have a little computer fun, too:

(click pic for better view)

They launched a browser and headed for a couple popular weblogs, no doubt planning to start flame wars using my persona. And if they weren't such lousy typists I'd have lots of free space on the ol' C: drive; they were trying to reformat it!

I was shocked, though mainly because they connected my chair to a wall outlet. After the twitching stopped I started thinking, how could this have happened? These monkeys were restless and bored, sure. But evil? No way. Then I spotted the instigator, trying to hide behind some of his handiwork. See the small yellow monkey in the picture below?

(click pic for better view)

Alert readers will note the yellow monkey isn't like the others. He's the one responsible for this disaster! I thought he was just a homeless "street" monkey when I found the little yellow fellow at a gas station (absolute truth). He looked lost and lonely so I offered to care for him. This is how he repays my kindness? He's some kind of mutant genius; I'm pretty sure that black ooze is the same stuff Mulder and Scully found. And I think some of it escaped before the HazMat crew arrived; I know the yellow monkey got away. He bolted when I tried to grab him, and I have no idea where he went.

If you see him, do not try to apprehend him! Keep your distance and contact local authorities. Tell them to bring (1) heavy artillery, (2) monkey-sniffing dogs, and (3) alien virus vaccine.

Not sure what to do with the others (besides not take them to work with me again). They're not "bad monkeys," I think; they're like children who got caught up in something beyond their control, that's all. Guess I'll give them another chance, but if they start acting like their little yellow friend - well. Then it'll be time to find new homes for them.

Preferably far from here.

18 Emissions:

Anonymous Anne Arkham emitted...

When I worked in retail, I did the same things. I wasn't being challenged, and I wasn't getting paid enough to behave.

Get back to the drawing board, and come up with a job that's a better fit for them.

7/23/2005 03:10:00 PM  
Blogger Glo emitted...

Hey! Whose totally awesome blog was that?! I thought someone was monkeyin' around my place that day....

(So, how much do I love guys with toys on their desks? Yeah. More than that. Beyond healthy, really.)

7/23/2005 03:16:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Anne - you created sentient ooze? Cool! The monkeys and I are talking about other jobs for them. Hmm...drawing board?

G.Lo - yes, your site was one of several opened. Seems they wanted max visibility for whatever hack they had in mind. And in the interest of full disclosure I should warn you: they could have uploaded some time-delayed stuff. They deny this of course.

Most of the guys where I work have toys. Lots of toys. No other monkeys though; mine were a little disappointed by that.

7/23/2005 03:44:00 PM  
Blogger Syar emitted...

see? see? what did I tell you about button eyed, button nosed creatures? pure evil, RaJ. although, now that I see that they are merely pawns following orders of their ragamuffin leader....yeah, they're still evil. I thought that ooze was radioactive coffee. and suddenly I thought of Jamie Oliver and reduction of liquids when cooking. see what they're doing to my mind??!! I'm not even commenting straight. I think I need to lie down.

7/24/2005 09:14:00 PM  
Blogger Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) emitted...

Can we rent the monkeys??? I'd like to sneak monkey's in some of the "rude and disrespectful" customers bags that I get at work.

7/25/2005 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Syar - Yes (hanging head in shame) you did warn me. Clearly you have keen insight into the button-eyed psyche; the monkeys tremble and cower when I mention your name. Good thinking with the radioactive coffee, surely a key ingredient of the ooze (which I still can't recreate).

Rainpuddles - sending one of these monkeys home with customers would be a heinous act of diabolical cruelty. When I get home I'll talk to the monkeys and get you a rate quote.

7/25/2005 11:00:00 AM  
Blogger Demosthenes emitted...

I caught him. Yes, my new shirt is hanging by tatters, my face is scarred and bloody and, for some reason, I have sentient ooze in my hair... but I got the bugger. It was quite an adventure, though. I was in my room, quietly contemplating a coup in southern Columbia, when I heard the creak of a window being opened upstairs. Odd, I thought, why is an unscheduled persona in my house? Hoisting a one-handed longsword from the Battle of Agincourt (1415) off my wall, I tiptoed out through my own window and circled around the house to the OTHER window in question. Climbing through, I found myself in the garage. And there, staring me down from between the 1953 Porsche 911 Turbo and the new Aston Martin, was the yellow fiend, guiltily clutching my neural interface controller. I paused for one second in horror, but that was all it took for him to hit the button marked "hangover." Yet another moment later, I was staggering in a daze, feeling as though somebody had hit me in the head with a large blunt piece of machinery. Through my blurry vision I managed to see the primate in question hit another button, this one marked "suicidal." As I felt my hands tighten on the sword, I realized that this was how it was going to end; the obituary would be sad and misunderstood, and all the while a small, yellow ape would be the only one with the truth. That's why I was rather surprised when I found myself swinging the ancient weapon down and cleaving his minute, plastic body clean in half. As the hangover effects wore off, I then saw he had hit the "homicidal" botton, not the "suicidal" one. Why he made such an idiotic mistake is beyond me, but then again I am, at the moment, concentrating on rebuilding my interface with less... uh... varied... options.

7/25/2005 01:15:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Demosthenes - that's a relief. Except...
No, I'm sure you... it's nothing. Really. Could be a... I'll check the other report. Yes.

7/25/2005 07:37:00 PM  
Blogger Demosthenes emitted...

Don't even try. People tell me one the few unattractive features I have is that of starting sentences and then saying, "oh never mind" and the like. I'm finding I dislike it too. What did I miss? Spill! You know, I could always glue the little guy back together with the leftover sentient ooze and sic him back on your office...

7/25/2005 08:16:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Sorry. I don't like to be the one to deliver unsubstantiated bad news, that's all. I'm sure your encounter went as described; I'm not sure you whacked the right monkey, is all. The linked picture is from a webcam near an airport - in Florida - timestamped a couple hours *after* your post.

Apaprently there's more than one of these little yellow fellows on the loose. One less, thanks to you, but we must remain vigilant!

7/25/2005 09:41:00 PM  
Blogger Nadia emitted...

In a completely unrelated incident*, my brother got bit by a monkey once. He is now, emotionally and physically, scarred for life. I hate those furry little buggers.

*Completely unrelated, except for the fact that it was the same yellow monkey currently screwing you over RaJ.

7/26/2005 01:11:00 AM  
Blogger Nadia emitted...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/26/2005 01:13:00 AM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Nadia - sorry to hear about your brother. I'm hoping Demosthenes iced the more vicious of the two known LYMs.

7/26/2005 06:54:00 AM  
Blogger jedith emitted...


My mother-in-law is sentient ooze!

Just kidding. :/

7/26/2005 02:53:00 PM  
Blogger Nadia emitted...

*fingers crossed* I have faith in demos.

7/26/2005 10:17:00 PM  
Blogger Demosthenes emitted...

Bloody hell that last monkey is a scrappy one! And now my new jacket is smeared with blood! And my car is ruined, too! AND THE HOUSE! Good lord you don't even want to see the house. I'm feeling a big woozy right now, possibly as a result of blood loss but more than likely due to the most creative use of a cheese grater that I've ever seen... come to think of it, that is, probably not by chance, directly connected to the loss of blood... maybe I will elaborate on the situation once the medics find me... but I'm... feeling... very... dizzy... at the moment...

7/27/2005 05:22:00 PM  
Blogger Syar emitted...

"the monkeys tremble and cower when I mention your name." this gives me new found courage. but all this bad news about their yellow leader and his kind, its gotten me scared again. thank god for ppl like you, RaJ and dem. CONSTANT VIGILANCE is a must! that and radioactive coffe, yes.

coraline : yeah, that neil gaiman. genius. he must have more insight than I on the issue of the button eyed monkeys and their leader. maybe I should ask him.

7/27/2005 07:58:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Jedith - I don't know what to offer: congratulations, pity, or a link for HazMat Control. Let me know what seems best. :->

Nadia - my sentiments exactly.

Demosthenes - for you, I have good news. Since your encounter with the little yellow FIEND had catastrophic elements, you're eleigible for Federal aid through FEMA. Expect a visit from them in the near future; be prepared to spend a little time completing paperwork. I'd guess no more than 45 minutes' worth (did I say minutes? I meant hours, sorry). Hope this helps.

Syar - indeed, regularly dropping your name has enabled me to maintain control for several days now, though the stimulus-response effect seems to be fading. Yes, the monkeys are beginning to overdose on you; I suppose it's inevitable. Maybe if I start reading aloud from your weblog... hmm.

Not sure if I've read anything else from Mr. Gaiman, but I plan to do so soon. You'll probably appreciate this post from another Neil Gaiman fan.

7/28/2005 06:22:00 AM  

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