Original Radioactive Jam

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005


let me tell you about my day
The title is an acronym for Items Of Interest, a weekly listing of typically boring, largely irrelevant minutiae generated for upper management at my previous employer. It's now just past 7AM Eastern time, and already - today - I've collected a couple items for a legendary IOI report. First, here's my exciting though somewhat atypical minutiae:
  • 1:00 AM (approx.) - Fall asleep in wrong bedroom
  • 2:30 AM - Fall down flight of stairs on way to correct bedroom
  • 4:50 AM - Rise and shine
  • 5:49 AM - Depart for work
  • 5:50 AM - Play with green laser pointer in predawn mist
  • 5:55 AM - Stow laser and depart for real
  • 7:00 AM - Arrive alive (at work)
The best stuff (excluding of course my green-beam fun) happened between 6:50 and 7:00. Leaving the Neighborhood Wal-Mart Located In Someone Else's Neighborhood Not Mine, I noticed this amazing headline on a weekly "news" publication:
Noah's Second Ark Found!
The subtitle was something like, Bizarre Creatures Kept Inside. Hmm, wonder if they found one of those yellow-diamond signs, "Bizarros On Board"...never mind. You might find it hard to believe, but I didn't stop to read the article. To be honest I thought it'd be way more fun if we made up the corresponding story, and - let's face it - our end result would have pretty much the same level of actual fact as the published piece. Consider this an assignment for either your own weblog, comment space here, or both.

The very best - so far, remember it's still early! - was this: for nearly three miles, I shared a stretch of road with...God. I am not making this up. Okay, it might not have been "God" driving the other vehicle, but when I noticed its license plate said "GODS SUV" I knew this was no ordinary commuter. Either that or I hit my head when I fell down the stairs, though I'm almost positive I did not.

Right now you're probably wondering if your socks are really black or just dark blue; I know I am. Plus you might be curious: just what kind of SUV does God own, what message might God want to convey here? Escape? Blazer? Probably not Xterra; too cryptic. Forerunner? No, that'd be John T. Baptist's I think.

Folks, I'm sorry to report God doesn't even buy American. I know, can you believe it? I was more than a little disappointed to see GODS SUV was a Toyota Highlander, though it did have the V6 and special trim package, and looked well kept. I started wondering how things went at the car lot, what kind of deal they made. Did the salesperson say, "I don't think my manager will accept this offer but I'll check?" Were there problems getting a loan approved? "They don't have a category for your occupation..." And whose name is shown on the registration and title?

Then I watched it run a red light, while I waited in a turn-lane...sigh.

Back to work.

Full Of Disclosure: Speaking for myself, I respect and believe in God, Noah (one ark, no Bizarros), and everyone's right to fall down stairs and/or display vanity license plates. Sometimes these things strike me as funny, what can I say, YMMV especially in SUVs, regardless of ownership.

4 Emissions:

Blogger Carol Danvers emitted...

That's a pretty good little story - did you really see GODS SUV or did you just make that up?

Playing with laser pointers in the mist is fun. It kind of reminds me of the fireworks I watched last night - or should i say *didn't* watch because the freaking marine layer of fog was so thick that all we could see was the clouds lighting up like a war zone and an occasional falling spark of red, white or blue.

As for the bizarro Noah's Ark, maybe it had a set of chupacabras on it.

7/05/2005 04:01:00 PM  
Blogger Demosthenes emitted...

I never sing "God Bless America" because if you think about it, that's a pretty arrogant move. Close to blasphemy, actually. I mean, why would he ONLY bless America? I mean, if I were God, America would be the last on the list to be blessed. Religion has no nationality.

That being said, I think God would probably rock a Saab.

7/05/2005 10:03:00 PM  
Blogger Glo emitted...

Wow. I'm a little disappointed at God's lack of respect for the environment. But I guess it's like Bill Cosby said, "I brought you into [being], I can take you right back out."

Vanity plates to a whole new level. Kinda like pride plates, really - watch out for that fall.

7/05/2005 11:49:00 PM  
Blogger Radioactive Jam emitted...

Carol - entire post 100% true story, one of those Stranger Than Fiction days. And chupacabras seem likely candidates, though maybe they'd need separate quarters?

Demosthenes - does the Saab line include an SUV? I wonder if GODS SUV is like, incapable of rolling, or doesn't need airbags. Imagine if you rear-ended it, then noticed the license tag. Now imagine you're an athiest. Could you beat a ticket by saying (1)no God, therefore (2)no GODS SUV, therefore (3)no collision / not my fault?

I think if GODS SUV ever gets in a collision, the other driver will almost certainly be an athiest. The irony potential alone all but guarantees this.

G.Lo - yeah. I'm seeing serious mixed and bad message potential. The red-light thing, for example. And if the driver gets pulled over for *any* traffic violation? Rue the day.

Those of you familiar with the speck and log principle will understand my hereby acknowledging my own wood-filled eye and occluded vision.

7/06/2005 06:59:00 AM  

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